Lost Loves
by JeeSun
Summary: CJJosh "This thing we have, Josh, you and me, it's not for real.


**Title:**Lost Loves

**Author: **JeeSun

**Category: **CJ/Josh

**Spoilers: **Debate Camp

**Summary:**"This thing we have, Josh, you and me, it's not for real. It's just two lonely people seeking comfort in each other when it's needed."

**Disclaimer: **Not mine

**Note**** I: **So this is a piece that I wrote almost over a year ago and it's been even longer since I last post a fanfic. This is my first CJ/Josh fic I've posted so I hope you like it.

When Josh was walking down the hallway he passed the kitchen. When he noticed the light was on he peeked inside. He couldn't see her upper body because she was looking after something in one of the cupboards but he would recognize those legs anywhere, anytime.

"CJ?"

She closed the cupboard and smiled slightly at him. "Hey Josh," she said softly.

He entered the kitchen and leaned against the wall on the opposite side of her. "What are you doing?"

She shrugged and leaned against the stove. She looked sadly at him and he immediately knew what it was about. He didn't want to question her about it, though. Mostly for his own sake.

Suddenly, she smiled again. "I'm looking for partyhats." He looked confused at her. "You know, for the Team Toby meeting."

Josh laughed. "I didn't really think anyone took it seriously."

CJ raised her eyebrows. "Are you sure? 'Cause Sam and Charlie are over at your cabin right at this moment coming up with a plan to make Ms. Wyatt Mrs. Ziegler again."

While she was talking her tone went from light and cheerful to sad and envious. Josh stood quietly, looking at her for a moment, trying to get her to look at him. When he didn't succeed, he sighed sadly.

He decided to try to get her to think about something else, even though he knew it was useless. "The President is ready for the debate now. He's going to eat Ritchie alive."

CJ nodded. "He will. And the thing Amy gave us… It was great." She crossed her arms over her chest and looked at him. "So, what's up with the two of you anyway?"

Josh shrugged. "Not much." CJ continued to look at him, silently urging him to continue. "She was on a date when I called her for like the tenth time since we got here."

"I like Amy," CJ said.

"Yeah, me too."

"You two are good together."

"Better than us?" Josh immediately regretted what he'd said. He blushed and took a deep breath and closes his eyes for a second. "I shouldn't have-"

"Better than us?" CJ interrupted and took a small step towards him. "You tell me."

Josh looked stunned at her for a minute. Then, before he could react he felt her hands on his chest, then her soft lips against his. She put her arms around his neck before putting her head in the crook of his neck. He held her tightly while putting light kisses on her head. He wasn't sure but he thought he heard her sobbing.

After a minute, she looked at him with misty eyes. "Let's go."

"Are you sure?"

She laughed a little and took his hand. "It's not like we haven't done this before." When she saw his hesitation she looked questioningly at him. "What?"

He briefly looked away. "I just don't want this to be because of Toby."

"It isn't," she said.

Josh nodded. "Okay," he said quietly before following her to her cabin.

CJ turned off the light in the bathroom and smiled at Josh on her bed before walking over there. She put the covers over her naked body and snuggled closer to Josh.

"You okay?" She asked.

"Yeah. You?"

He could feel her nod against his chest.

She lifted her head and smiled slightly at him. "You're staying?"

"If you want me too."

She smiled. "You know I do, silly."

She put her head back against his chest and closed her eyes. Josh began playing with her hair while he carefully looked at her. He could tell by her breathing she wasn't sleeping yet and by earlier experience he knew she wouldn't fall a sleep for a while. As usual he couldn't help wondering if she had been lying like this with Toby. He'd never been told about their history and even if CJ would offer to tell, he wasn't sure he wanted to hear it.

"Why can't it be like this forever?" He said quietly.

CJ made a sound and after a second Josh could tell she was laughing.

She sat up in the bed and looked at him. "What did you just say?"

Josh looked away to hide his embarrassment. "Never mind." He sat up on the edge of bed and began putting on his clothes.

CJ put her hand on his back and he stopped putting on his clothes and let out a sigh.

"Josh? Really, what did you say?"

"Nothing," he mumbled. "I just… I was just thinking…" He turned around to look at her. "Yes, CJ, we are better than what I and Amy are together. In fact, I think we're great together and I just wonder why it can't always be like that. Its not like we aren't allowed to do this and it's not like we're committed to anyone else."

CJ looked down. "Josh, I lied to you earlier."

"I know you did," Josh said quietly after a while.

"This thing we have, Josh, you and me, it's not for real. It's just two lonely people seeking comfort in each other when it's needed."

"I don't buy that shit, CJ. I just don't."

"Tell me once, just once, that we've slept together when it hasn't been because of Donna or Amy. God, Josh, hadn't it been for Mandy dumping you this never would have started!"

"You forgot about Toby."

"Yes, I did," CJ admitted. "Listen, you knew I lied earlier but you made a choice. I didn't force you to go with me back here. You know it can never be us."

Josh rubbed a hand over his eyes. It felt like they'd been over this a hundred times before and he didn't know why he still bothered.

"CJ, it can."

CJ shook her head. "Not as long as you are in love with another woman and I'm in another man."

Josh took her hand. "Then what if I'm saying I'm not in love with anyone other than-"

"Josh," CJ said softly. "You know that's not true."

Josh decided it was no point in arguing with her. He stood up and put on his shirt.

"You're not staying?"

"What does it look like?" Josh snorted, suddenly feeling angry. "You know what I think? You're so stuck up with being in love with Toby you don't even realize you're not."

CJ shrugged and looked away. When she looked at him again he had already opened the door. He looked at her, waiting for her to say something. She wanted to ask him to stay, to say she needed him, to tell him if she really was what he wanted she was there. But she couldn't.

"I think you should call Amy," she said instead.

"Yeah, whatever," Josh said before leaving.

End.

2003-11-19


End file.
